I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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