it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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