my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
