I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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