you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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