he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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