the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
