I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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