tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
