Don't make out with my wife yet
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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