How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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