Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Everclear isn't food dammit
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
