Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
