does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize