You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
