My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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