Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
