i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
