well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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