I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
