Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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