my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
