this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
