Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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