dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
