I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
