I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
