After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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