I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
