It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
