so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
