That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
