It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
