Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you have to choose: penises or morals?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
