I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
