When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
