Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
