I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
