Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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