I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
