My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
