I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
ok first of all what the fuck
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
