can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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