Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
