We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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