I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
