i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
