I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
