I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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