Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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