3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
