god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
