A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
