I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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