nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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