dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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