Please, let me fuck your mom
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
